Blindsided

          My family grew up vacationing for a week each summer on the Atlantic side of Florida, namely, Daytona Beach.  When the hippies took over Daytona in the early 1960s, Mom and Dad began staying in Ormond Beach, just a few miles north of famous Daytona. When Norman and I got married, we went there as well…and once Nathan came along, the five of us spent many special weeks there in the summer.  Norman, Nathan and I still go there at least once a year for a getaway.  Oh, the wonderful memories that place conjures up for me.

          I think we’re in the minority as most of my friends love the Gulf side of Florida with the white sand and the blue/green waters and the more serene (or non-existent) waves.

          But for my parents, myself, and now my own family, the large waves of the Atlantic are what we love and are accustomed to.  It’s where memories have been made for generations.

          For those of you who have been to the Atlantic side, maybe you can relate to this story.

          Have you ever been standing in the ocean, looking up at the birds, talking or distracted by something else, when suddenly, a huge wave comes from out of nowhere and slams you to the ocean floor?   Before it knocks your feet out from under you, you may even twist, turn and try to recover?  But there’s no use.  The waves’ surging power is just too much for you.  And for what seems to be an eternity, you can’t seem to muster enough strength to fight it off, much less stand up. The wave “caught you off guard” so much that you’re still tossing and turning underneath the wave’s powerful tow. Maybe salt water is burning your eyes and surging up your nose.  This scenario has happened to me too many times to recount…as a kid, teenager and adult (My dad and hubby would add here that this happened to me frequently because I was usually talking – ha!  But I digress!).

          Several years ago, I had something “blindside” me just like that huge, unexpected wave in the ocean.  It seemed to come from out of nowhere, and it knocked me for a loop.  It was so powerful and fierce that I couldn’t seem to fight it off – or get my bearings to even stand.

          What am I talking about?

Please keep reading.   

          I went from being fine one day to being hit by this monstrous wave the next!!!

          I still remember the feeling of being “out of control”.  It’s as if something came out of nowhere and plunged me into the “deep waters”. 

          I didn’t feel like myself; I went through the motions of life; I cooked; I cleaned; I did what I needed to, mainly for my child and husband.  But there was a disconnect between my brain, my heart and my body.

          I remember wanting to sleep A LOT.  I didn’t want to face the realities of life.

          Norman and I were going through a challenging period in our marriage.  Nothing major as I recall.  It was just the normal ups and downs of marriage – and we were going through the valley.  We were somewhat disconnected.  Our struggles only seemed to make the “depression” worse.

          I didn’t know what it was at first.  I didn’t want to give it a name.  I just felt “weird” and “not myself”.

          All I know is an enemy had invaded my home, my body, my space…and I was blindsided.

          I prayed; I read my Bible; I cried out to God.  I knew He loved me, but for the first time in my life, I didn’t FEEL loved. God seemed distant.

          I knew it wasn’t God that had pulled away.  Obviously, I knew it was me.  But the sudden change was disconcerting to say the least.  Just like being in the ocean and having water rush up your nose or feeling powerless to overcome the thrust of the waves, I felt the same within.  Something had come from out of nowhere and changed my world.  And it wasn’t for the better.  I felt “out of control” and powerless. 

          I talked to Norman, but he couldn’t understand.  He tried to empathize, but he had no experience to draw from.  I knew God had brought Norman and me together; there was no doubt in that.  But even so, Norman was so logical and concrete.  His logical, male psyche couldn’t identify or relate to my “storm of emotions”.  I’m not being critical of him.  Just stating facts. 

          I went to see my pastor.  He was a kind, compassionate and empathetic man. Once I shared what I was experiencing, I distinctly remember him sharing that Charles Spurgeon, an incredible theologian and preacher, struggled with depression.  My pastor was even vulnerable and confided in me that he had also struggled with depression for more than a season.  I knew he cared; I could tell he wanted to help.  I was honest and told him how I felt when I read my Bible and tried to pray.  He listened; he shared and was vulnerable; and he prayed for me.  But I left his office feeling even more hopeless.  My pastor tried, but nothing he told me really seemed to help or make me feel better.  I sure didn’t blame him.  I just needed answers and help.

          During this time, I had opened up and shared with my parents what I was going through.  I asked them to pray for me.  I didn’t want it to continue, but try as I may, this “wave” kept twisting and turning me.  I seemed to have no control over it.  That feeling of being out of control and not myself scared me.

          One day, my mother was out shopping.  As she was standing in line to purchase an item, she ran into an old friend.  They hugged, exchanged pleasantries, and then began asking questions to catch up on each other’s families.  Apparently, Mom broke down with her and teared up, relaying a little of the saga of what I was currently going through.  The friend listened and cared, but she had to rush off.  But as only God could orchestrate, the person behind Mom had listened to the entire exchange.

          She confessed to Mom that she had eavesdropped.  And she shared that someone in her family had been through a similar experience.  This complete stranger recommended a certain doctor that her family member saw.  Mom wrote the name down and passed on to me.  Can you believe this doctor was in the same town that Norman, Nathan and I lived in?  Needless to say, God had certainly ordained this entire encounter!!  It wasn’t a chance meeting or coincidence.

          I made an appointment with this doctor.  He had just recently been added to our insurance in the last month (definitely a God thing and not just a coincidence!!).  In addition, I found out that he was a strong Christian man.  The mother of a dear friend of mine had worked for him for years!!  I was beyond thankful for how God had moved and worked.  It was apparent that God had directed me to this man.  I was so thankful!!

          He was so kind, thorough and gentle in his approach.  Most of all, he was a good listener.  As I sat in his office, I found myself in a new and awkward position.  Something was wrong with me – and it couldn’t be treated in one visit.  In fact, I wasn’t even sure that it could be treated at all at that point.

          It wasn’t a cough, cold or something easy to diagnose or “fix”.  And it wasn’t easy opening up, admitting my weakness, problem and difficulty.  But I was desperate…and God had made it clear that this man was THE one I needed to see.

          The doctor did a wonderful job of reassuring me.  He asked me very personal questions, and then nicely but tactfully told me I was experiencing depression.  His diagnosis wasn’t a surprise, but it still sounded so “formal” and “real” when he said it. Just like some of you reading this article have heard the “c” word (cancer)in a doctor’s office, I heard “depression”.  It wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but it was a confirmation of what I knew in my heart.   His recommendation was to do some tests, but he also wanted to start me on an anti-depressant.

          Now, you have to understand my background before we go any further.  I don’t do well with over-the-counter medications.  When I was in college and had a stuffy nose and felt generally yucky, the doctor on call at our college infirmary gave me some Sudafed to take.  It kept me awake –even as a young 20-year old!  When Norman and I had only been married a couple of years, I had flu like symptoms, and he picked up some Nyquil for me to take in hopes of stopping whatever was going on.  I was up for three days straight and my pupils were dilated that entire time!  As Norman jokingly said, “You would not make a good drunk!”  All this to say, I’m that 1 in 100 people that has a contraindication to over-the-counter and prescription medicine.

          I told the doctor all of this and he was receptive.  However, he still felt like I needed Zoloft (a common anti-depressant) to help with my depression.  So, I trusted him and left with the prescription in hand.

          Even though I was worried about the side effects and my reaction to the medicine, I felt hopeful that the doctor seemed convinced this drug would be the solution.  He touted its benefits.  Norman and I sure prayed it would help and be the remedy I so desperately needed.

          During this time, Nathan was in 2^nd grade.  If there was ever a grade in school (besides his middle school years) that was difficult and challenging, it was 2^nd grade.  I’ll try to summarize as I could write a book on this year!!  Nathan had been struggling to pay attention.  He was a good student and had no trouble with academics, but he couldn’t focus well.  Instead of the teacher helping him and cooperating with what we asked, she seemed to purposely go out of her way to sabotage him.  For instance, we asked her to put him at the front of the room (free from as many distractions as possible).  Where did she seat him?  Near the back where when he looked up his main view was a large picture window overlooking the playground (and there were no blinds or shades)!  I was livid!  And that was just the tip of the iceberg.  I was actually tutoring a student in Nathan’s class.  I went 2-3 times a week to help a little girl in his class with reading.  I saw firsthand what the teacher was like.  And to top it off, another teacher in that grade level pulled me aside and told me some very negative and critical things about this teacher. Norman and I had already had a conference with her.  I urged Norman to go back and talk with her.  But he suggested that I should since I saw her frequently and was a former teacher.  The situation with Nathan and how she worked against him/us got worse.  As I said to Norman, “I can’t talk to her again.  I’ll either burst into tears and be so upset, or I’ll bless her out and lose my Christianity!!”  All that to say, it was a stressful and difficult time.  I felt for my child daily…numerous times throughout the day!  My mama’s heart was torn apart and breaking as I was hurting for our son.  He was on my mind and heart constantly throughout the day.

          MY choice was to pull him out in October and home school him for the remainder of the year. Norman agreed. In my mind, there was no other option.  But God saw it differently.  When Norman and I prayed about this issue, the Lord made it super clear not to move him.  I heard, “Don’t move him. Stay on your knees for your boy!”  It was not the answer I wanted to hear.  I argued with God.  But in the end, Norman and I were obedient.  And I did stay on my knees for my boy like never before!!  And God grew my prayer life (reluctantly at first, I might add).

          To be honest, I can’t even really recall how long the depression lasted.  But I do vividly remember struggling to get basic household chores done.  All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and sleep.  I wanted to escape through sleep.

          I still got Nathan up and took him to school, made his lunches, took him to places…and held the fort down (driving Nathan to soccer practice, piano lessons, activities at church and helping him with homework) while Norman was working shifts.  We ate together as a family; we went to church together as a family.  But I was just going through the motions.  There was no joy; no motivation.  I knew in my head and heart that God loved me and had sent Jesus to take my place for my sins on the cross, but I didn’t FEEL His presence or love.  I felt empty, alone and numb.  And no one seemed to understand or be there.

          Why am I being vulnerable and telling you all the nitty gritty details?  Because right now I know SO many are struggling with depression, anxiety or similar feelings.  Even if my friends aren’t battling an issue themselves, then they have a spouse, a friend or a family member who is.

          Back to my saga…

          Well, I tried the Zoloft for about 3-4 weeks, maybe a month.  But it didn’t help!  It made me even more lethargic and sleepy!!  And I didn’t need help in the sleep department!  I needed energy!!  I desperately wanted to cherish every moment with my boys and extended family and have joy and zest for life.  But the realization came that this medicine was not the solution.

          I went back to the kind and caring doctor.  I told him the side effects I was having from the Zoloft, and he agreed it wasn’t working.  In addition, my initial test results had come back.  One of my female hormones had spiked and was way out of balance.  In his expert opinion, this imbalance in my hormones had caused the depression.  It was the primary culprit.

          I was relieved that something was out of whack with my hormones.  I wasn’t going crazy; it wasn’t all in my head; and because of this test result, we could proceed.  I was hopeful.

          However, there was still no EASY solution. I wanted a “quick fix”, but I knew that wasn’t realistic.   During this time, I was at my heaviest weight.  I won’t share that number as I would be so embarrassed.  But when I look back to pictures, I’m horrified that I let myself go!! 

          The doctor did mention my weight and gently encouraged me to get on a healthy diet and exercise.  Furthermore, he suggested that I seek out a godly counselor and see if it helped to talked with someone.  My emotions (over Nathan, Norman and me and just life in general) definitely factored into the equation; it wasn’t just an issue with my hormones.

          I followed his advice.  Thankfully, my parents’ church had started a counseling center about a year prior to this.  I saw a very wise Biblical counselor there who helped me, especially initially.

          He quickly realized that I was a “giver” and “pleaser”.  There’s nothing wrong with either of these, but this wise counselor helped me to see that I put myself last when it came to meeting needs.  After all, isn’t that what a “good Christian” wife and mother is supposed to do?  That question alone opens up a Pandora’s Box and is a topic to be addressed another time.  Suffice it to say, he recommended several books and talked to me about finding “balance” vs. putting myself last and/or not “filling up my own tank” before I attempted to minister to my family.  One of the books he suggested that I’ve recommended to many is Search for Significance.  It’s a great read, even if you’re not struggling with any emotional issues.  It’s basically about finding your identity in Jesus vs. anything else (and especially if you tend to be a “pleaser”).  It was eye-opening and helped me evaluate my priorities and not constantly sacrifice self for the good of my family. 

          If you’re reading this article, and you are struggling with depression, anxiety or similar feelings, you might be saying, “What did you do next?  What did you take?  How did you get help?”

          I can’t say I recall every detail, but I do remember some significant series of events that led to a turning point.

          I remember struggling to read my Bible.  I would read but feel numb or empty.  I just kept persevering.

          I prayed; I cried out to God all by myself in my home…and told him every bit of how I was feeling…what I was worried about…and all my emotions.  I asked HIM to direct my steps and lead me to the answer. I knew HE would provide the breakthrough.

          Searching the internet back then was a fairly new practice.  But I got on the internet and began reading like crazy.  Also, I changed my diet and added more veggies, fruits and began to exercise.  I also found Bee Alive products.  They were expensive, but at this point, Norman supported me taking anything to be back to my “normal” self.  I ordered Bee Alive Royal Jelly supplements at first.  They did give me energy, and my own exercise/eating plan helped as well.  Not only that, but a co-worker of Norman’s had ordered these same supplements for his wife (for a different reason).  She was allergic and couldn’t take them.  They sold ALL of them to us for a discounted price.  What a God thing!!!  I continually saw His hand at every turn, even if I still didn’t FEEL His presence like normal.

          I kept crying out to God and staying in the Word.  I won’t lie.  There were moments and days it wasn’t easy.  But I persisted…and kept telling the Lord, I needed HIM and needed HIM to take control of me, my hormones, my body and the entire situation.

          Who or what do I credit with pulling me out of that depression?

          GOD!!  God, and God alone showed me the way.  HE responded when I cried out and turned to HIM.

          Now, please don’t misunderstand me.  I KNOW of numerous people who have been helped by seeing a medical doctor; tons who currently take anti-depressants and are significantly helped by them.  Some I know can’t function without them!!  I’ve known of several friends who the meds have totally turned their anxiety, depression, etc. around.   Still others I know have benefited from seeking the advice and wisdom of a counselor.  I’m not knocking any of those remedies.

          But for me…I know that God drew me out of that pit of depression.  If there was ever a verse I identified with King David, it would be Psalm 40: 1-4.  “I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.  He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.  Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods.”  And verse 13 of that same chapter.  “Be pleased, O Lord, to save me; O Lord, come quickly to help me.”

Even though this troublesome time was decades ago, when I read these verses, it still transports me back to that excruciating time – but more importantly, it reminds me of God’s faithfulness!!

I wouldn’t wish any of this on my worst enemy!!!  But I know God had a purpose in it.  This side of heaven, I don’t know ALL the purposes.  But two things I know came out of that awful experience.

1. I became more dependent on God.  When you’re gasping for air, you need a lifeguard to lift you up out of the water to catch your breath.  When you’re in a dark cave, you need someone to shine the light in the darkness.  The only ONE who was able to be my rescuer was God alone.  Did the doctor help?  Was the counselor good?  Did the Bee Alive product work for a short time? Did the change in diet help?  Yes, to all of those!!  Family and close, special friends were praying for me.  But ultimately, I realized God answered and provided.  “He was my refuge and strength, a very present help in times of trouble”.  I was in the Word consistently, and it did help!!
2. Since that time, over 30 years ago, I’ve been able to listen, empathize and at least be a sounding board for others going through a similar valley.  Oh, I don’t mean I had all the answers; I just mean God put someone in my path that needed another human being to identify with his/her plight…someone who had walked that difficult road.  Whether it was anxiety, depression or something similar, God has allowed me to be a “sounding board” or a listening ear and minister to someone hurting and experiencing similar emotions to what I experienced years ago.  I’ve been able to share my story with several so they didn’t feel like the Lone Ranger…or just listen and let them know that I knew how to pray for them because I had walked this difficult path.  Even last week, a dear lady confided in me at my church about experiencing depression because of a situation in her family.  I don’t even know this sweet individual very well, but it was no coincidence that she opened up to me about it.  I didn’t go into the details of my story; she didn’t care or need to hear it.  She just needed to know that I understood and had been on this same dreaded path…and that there was light at the end.  And that Jesus had not abandoned her.  And I knew how to pray for her! 

          God reminded me of this verse that Paul shared in II Corinthians 1:3-4.  “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”

          Years ago, my preacher growing up, Dr. Charles Carter, used to say that he had been to seminary; he knew the Word; he preached and studied the Word; he had been a preacher/pastor for decades, but even with all of that experience and training under his belt, he couldn’t really minister or empathize with a church member or friend whose parent had died.  His parents didn’t die until he was much older in life.  He was wise enough to realize that we can only imagine what that’s like.  Until you have experienced and walked a heart-wrenching road yourself, you can sympathize, but you can’t really have true empathy until you’ve walked that difficult road yourself. 

          I think that’s what Paul means in these verses in II Corinthians. 

          So why am I writing this article?

          To encourage those of you who may have experienced anxiety or depression – or even anything along these lines.  Maybe it’s a health issue with no easy answers.

Maybe you’re not even struggling with depression or anxiety.  Maybe you’ve just been diagnosed with cancer, heart disease or another serious illness – or you have a family member or friend dealing with health issues.  I think some of these same principles apply. 

1. I think in our society, we turn to doctors too quickly to solve every little ailment.  Please don’t misunderstand me.  I have all the respect in the world for their education, passion and training. I’m thankful for them. But as a believer, turn FIRST to the Great Physician.  He created your body and knows it best.  Cry out to HIM for healing FIRST – and then for wisdom.  That’s just flat Biblical.  Too many times we pick up the phone or search for a doctor BEFORE ever mentioning it to the God who “formed you in your mother’s womb and calls you by name”. 
2. Ask HIM for wisdom and guidance.  Ask HIM for the next step.
3. Examine your lifestyle…diet, exercise, sleep, etc.  For me, this time in our family was one of THE most difficult.  In hindsight, I was internalizing every single issue and trying to carry the load myself.  Oh, I was praying.  But I was talking to God, while I was trying to manage and “call the shots” vs. trusting Him to be my Guide and shoulder ALL of my worries and anxiety.
4.  I will never know every reason why this imbalance occurred, but I do believe God allowed it to help me get healthy, to help me rely on Him first and foremost, for me to surrender my marriage/husband/child and everything else to Him – and to realize that He is in control and I’m not.  And that as His child, He wants me to live dependent on Him vs calling Him my Savior and Lord while still trying to be in the driver’s seat. 

Do your own research, but bottom line.  Talk to the ONE who knows your body best.  Ask HIS advice as you search the scriptures.  “Be still and know that He is God”.  He will direct your and guide you or your loved one if you’re truly asking and seeking…and waiting (the hardest part).

To be totally “real and upfront”, I wasn’t totally comfortable with sharing all of this very personal story in this format.  But I’m confident God had me be this real and vulnerable with you for a reason.  I trust He is using it to minister to even just one person.

I pray by sharing “my story” that even one thing I suggested or mentioned has helped you – and drawn you closer to the One True God.