Forgiveness

                    It’s just a few days before Thanksgiving as I sit to write.  Naturally, one would think I’d compose an article about counting your blessings, being grateful or the like.  But that’s not the topic the Lord has put on my heart.

                    The older I get, the more I witness, hear and experience so many around me that have disfunction in their family or even with a friend.  So many harbor resentment, bitterness and sometimes even ill will towards family or someone who has wronged him/her.  As I write, let me clarify.  I am talking about believers and addressing believers, those who call themselves followers of Christ. 

                    Let’s face it.  When someone has wronged you, even as a child of God, it’s just flat difficult to forgive.  It’s excruciating to move past the hurt and maybe even what could be intentional infliction of pain.

          I first began listing examples of numerous scenarios that I’ve heard relayed to me or know of going on currently.  But I decided not to do that.  Why?  Because the scenarios are not important. 

          I hear some of you now saying, “Oh, yes, the scenario is, Laura.  You don’t know what ____ did to me!”

          From a human standpoint, there are times I’ve listened to a dear friend, acquaintance or loved one relay instances similar when he/she was wronged.  Times when I think, how could God expect them to forgive such a heinous offense?

          But yet, that’s exactly what He requires.

          Forgiving is not just a suggestion; it’s not just something that God offers as one option or in certain circumstances.

          Here’s what God says about forgiveness in the gospel of Matthew.  “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

          That verse is extremely clear.  There is no room to be misconstrued.  If I want my Heavenly Father to forgive all my sins (He did that when I came to saving faith in Jesus), then I need to forgive others.  Even though God forgave my sins at the moment of my conversion when I believed that Jesus was/is His Son and died in my place on the cross, I continue to sin.  There is a need for daily confession of my sins.  This verse tells me there are sins that won’t be forgiven if I hold a grudge towards whoever.  Don’t you agree?  This verse alone offers MAJOR motivation to do the hard work of forgiving.

                    He COMMANDS us to forgive.  “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”  Colossians 3:13

          Again, the example that compels me to forgive is God Himself. 

          Just as each of us has no inherent good and no reason for God to forgive us when we wronged Him (through our sin), He still forgives.  So much so that He gave up His most precious possession – His Son, Jesus.

          Have you ever stopped to consider that He could’ve held a grudge?  He could’ve blamed us at every turn and dispensed justice with no mercy?  But then, He wouldn’t be a compassionate, loving and forgiving Father.

          One of the first verses my husband and I memorized as a newly married couple was Ephesians 4:32 “And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving just as God in Christ Jesus also forgave you.”

          There were many times in our marriage that I didn’t want to forgive Norman.  I felt he needed to be punished. He didn’t need to be let off the hook so easily.  Haven’t you been there? 

          I think forgiving in a marriage and family may be the hardest.  After all, we spend the most time in these relationships.  Even the Bible bears this principle out as we consider Cain and Abel, Esau and Jacob, Abraham and Lot (Abraham definitely could’ve held a grudge), Miriam and Moses and so on.  The ones I’ve listed are just the tip of the iceberg.  It’s in family relationships that the Lord tests us at every turn to live out His principles.  It’s our training ground, if you will.

          There have been numerous times through the years that I’ve had to ask God to give me the strength or the “want to” to follow His command and forgive.  How about you?

          The story I’m about to relay doesn’t involve a family member, but it does underscore how God’s Holy Spirit speaks to us and convicts us when we are not being obedient.

          Years ago, when our son was young, we were active in a church, and I was serving in the preschool area recruiting volunteers to serve in various age groups during the church services.  As you can imagine, it wasn’t always easy to get enough volunteers or keep them.  That role was challenging enough.  But a lady that had been in that church for years headed up the preschool department.  And she was one that didn’t like change and was threatened by anything or anyone new…in this case, that was me.  I tried to work with her, become her friend and wanted to be a team.  Well, it didn’t really matter what I wanted.  She dug her heels in and worked against me at every turn.

          I didn’t purposely step on Ms. A’s toes.  In fact, I did everything to work around her without hurting her feelings.  But, Ms. A could be so moody.  I never knew on a given Wednesday or Sunday what her demeanor would be like.  It went downhill from there.  I dreaded Sundays, mainly because of the undercurrent of turmoil from her.

          On top of that, I had a dear friend and older lady (not old, but a senior to me) who I respected and admired greatly call me one day.  I’ll never forget it as she was a doctor and pretty straightforward.  There was a little small talk and then she said, “Laura, I’m calling you about something important.  Are you aware that Ms. A is talking about you behind your back?”  It stung.  It wasn’t a huge surprise or big revelation to me; it just showed me Ms. A’s true colors.  But it still hurt.  I had worked in church since I was a young teen, helping my mom in VBS or assisting her as she taught 1^st grade SS.  But NEVER had I ever encountered anyone who was so unkind and ugly as Ms. A.  There were times, in fact, that I doubted if she was a Christian.

          Well, I won’t bore you with the details of our conflict.  If you know me well, you know I despise conflict and especially in those days, I ran from it at any cost.

          But things came to a head with Ms. A on a Wednesday evening.  She spoke to me in such a harsh and disrespectful tone over some cubbies that a deacon in our church had made for free!!!  I couldn’t contain my emotions anymore.  I broke down and cried and ran out of the room.  A godly man in the church who was our custodian happened to be in the baby room when all this occurred.  He was also a deacon and one of the most genuine, consistent Christ-followers I had ever known.  He saw me afterwards, as I was waiting to get Nathan.  He put his hand on my shoulder and gently leaned over and said, “Don’t stoop to her level, Laura.  You’re better than that.”  He smiled at me, and I knew he meant well.  I so appreciated his encouragement.

          I knew Ms. A hadn’t singled me out.  She had a history of being this way to others who had served before me.  But this particular night, her history or pattern of behavior didn’t matter to me.

          We had a short drive home.  But even as we got in the car, my mind replayed the scene.  I seethed with anger to Ms. A.  I told the Lord why I was justified in my angry feelings toward her.  I told him how ugly she had been.  I knew He was aware!!

          Norman was working (he worked shifts back during this time) and wasn’t with us.  Nathan went to his room and got ready for bed.  As I sat in our living room by myself, I remember praying and venting to the Lord.  I also remember hearing the Lord say, “Pray for Ms. A”.  I literally remember saying out loud, “Pray for her!!! I want to scratch her eyes out!!”  I laughed it off.  But I knew what I had heard from the Lord.  It was clear; it lined up with His Word; I knew what He was asking of me.  I wrestled with this and had inner turmoil.  I was miserable, clinging to my hurt/angry feelings…and certainly not wanting to sit down, deal with my emotions and pray for her!

          When it was time for Nathan to go to bed, I went to his room.  He was in the bed, and our normal routine was to read from a devotional book and have a prayer. 

          Let me insert a key part of the story.  Nathan was in the 5^th grade at this time. For the last several weeks, a boy in his class, I’ll call him Jimmy, had been calling Nathan names and trying to bully him.  Jimmy had even bullied his own cousin in the class!!  I was aware of the situation (and secretly had ill feelings to Jimmy’s mom because she wasn’t handling the situation).  Anyway, we had talked about Jimmy in our family and Nathan’s teacher was keenly aware of the situation.  Still, Nathan continued to be the victim of Jimmy’s taunts and bullying.

          So, back to the original story.  We had just finished reading our devotion from the evening.  Nathan and I were about to pray when he interrupted and said, “Mom, we need to pray for Jimmy.  I don’t think he knows Jesus.”  Well, Nathan and I did pray…and we definitely prayed for Jimmy.  Needless to say, we didn’t just ask for Jimmy to stop the name calling and bullying, but we prayed for Jimmy’s heart/soul to find Jesus.

          As I kissed Nathan goodnight, I told him I loved him like usual.  But this evening, I told him how proud I was of him for realizing Jimmy needed Jesus – and that’s why Jimmy acted the way he did.  And that he acted maturely, praying for Jimmy vs. wanting to get revenge.

          As I walked back into my living room, I sat down and cried.  I thanked the Lord for giving me a son with a loving and forgiving heart and using him to teach me.  I told the Lord if my 10-year old son could forgive someone who had wronged him, I certainly could do the same.

          I won’t lie.  It wasn’t easy.  I sat down and tried to pray for Ms. A. I first remember praying some not so nice things for Ms. A – don’t judge.  Don’t tell me you haven’t been there!!   I finally prayed the best for Ms. A.

          But that night, before I could pray for Ms. A (in the right way and with pure motives), I first had to give up my rights to punish her.  I gave all my feelings of resentment, hurt, bitterness, anger and frustration to God.  I asked him to remove all those fleshly feelings and give me a heart for her.

          I remembered that Jesus could’ve held all his feelings against me.  He had every right, but He didn’t.  He forgave me.  Even in his excruciating pain and anguish on the cross, He prayed, “Father, forgive them for they don’t know what they’re doing.”  I know Jesus was referring to the Romans/Jews that put him on the cross and were crucifying God’s Son.  But I believe that prayer was also for you and me.

          All I can tell you is I continued to pray for Ms. A.  God lifted my feelings of anger.

          Peace and calm replaced my anger and bitterness.

          God called us away from that church shortly thereafter. It had nothing to do with Ms. A.  But I can truly say that I have run into Ms. A several times throughout the years. But when I see her, I do not recall the ugliness, the anger or even the circumstances of our encounters.  I am truly freed up and have peace.  It truly is a miracle!

          Now, I won’t lie.  I can’t say that have this same experience anytime someone has wronged me.

          But what I did learn from this is the following.

          Forgiveness is more about surrendering our own rights and being obedient to what God commands us to do.

          It’s giving him ALL of your emotions and realizing HE has every right NOT to forgive. It’s simple being obedient to what the Our Heavenly Father calls us to do.

          Now, before you think I’m some saint or have mastered this, I will just say I’m struggling now to forgive someone.  If I were to relay the details, you would tell me in a heartbeat that I’m justified.  That I have every RIGHT to be upset – and not forgive.

          But it’s one reason God has me writing this article.  As only He can do, He is reminding me that I don’t need to live trying to handle the situation on my own.  I’m only punishing myself.  But more importantly, if I’m His child, I need to live in obedience, allowing Him to be my Master.

          And by doing so, it reveals to others that I’m like Levi jeans – the genuine article.  My faith is not artificial, but it influences every area of my life.

          I know there’s someone out there who is struggling to forgive.  You’re holding on to the anger and bitterness like it’s a prized possession.  But you’re also hearing that still, quiet nudge from the Holy Spirit to lay down your rights and forgive.

          How do I know?  Because the Lord has so compelled me to write this article…and share several things. 

          Someone is hurting; someone is struggling; someone is trying to rely on self or the world’s answer when offended.  But yet, you know the truth.  Remember, the truth of God and His way WILL set you free!

          I could enumerate names of people I know that are holding onto bitterness, anger, hurt, offenses and what it’s done to their health, marriage, relationships and emotional well-being.  Some have followed this pattern for decades!!

          Even people that aren’t believers in Jesus know that holding onto these negative emotions and not forgiving just ends up hurting YOU.  You create a prison for yourself, and the visitors become anger, bitterness, resentment and all those ugly emotions.  Instead of God controlling your life, the negative emotions just snowball and become gigantic in your spirit.  They take over every facet. 

          I’m praying for those of you out there reading my blog.  God has put you on my heart.  I pray this article draws you back to the Savior…where you bow your knees and realize HIS WAY is always best.  Submit to Him today and find the peace and serenity that only He offers.  More on this subject next time.