In the Midst of a Trial

The last blog article talked about perspective…and we came to the conclusion that if you’re hurting, you’re hurting.  It doesn’t matter if it’s a MAJOR trial going on in your life or a smaller, seemingly insignificant hurt.  Hurt is hurt.  A trial is a trial, whether it’s HUGE or INCONSEQUENTIAL.

Let’s go on from there.

My pastor, Dennis Watson, says quite frequently that each of us is either in the midst of a trial, about to go through a trial or we’ve just been through one.  That pretty much includes each of us.

Let’s say that you’re in the middle of a trial or major hurt.  What do you do?  How do you get through it?  What should your attitude be?

I sure don’t claim to know all there is in the Bible about dealing with a trial. And I have to say I’ve been blessed beyond measure to have not experienced that much pain and heartache in this life.  But in the last few years, God has taught me much on the subject.

I don’t think it matters if you’re going through a health scare yourself or have a loved one facing a health crisis; perhaps you’re caring for parents who are declining in health or one might even have dementia or Alzheimer’s; maybe you have an issue with your adult child or teenager that’s ripping your heart to pieces; he/she has disappointed beyond belief and isn’t walking with the Lord.  Or perhaps your grandchild is making foolish choices or causing issues in the family. Or maybe you’re in a financial crisis and can’t seem to climb your way out.  Whatever the crisis, even if I didn’t mention it here, trials come into each of our lives.

In the last few years, I’ve been through several trials that tested, as well as strengthened my faith.

Here’s a brief synopsis:

2017 – Moving my parents (and my aunt) from their home of 30 years into a senior independent living facility; my dad’s congestive heart failure getting much worse and his decline

2018 – Dad’s homegoing

2019 – Caregiving for Mom and my last remaining aunt

2020 (March) – Aunt Nancy’s homegoing

2020 (May) – Mom’s cancer diagnosis and unexpected homegoing

2020 (July) – Duchess’ (our dog for 15 years) death

2020 – ***

***There was another trial during 2019-2020.  It was even more difficult than my parents’ deaths.  I can’t explain the details now.  Just suffice it to say, it was the greatest test of my faith since I’ve been a believer in Jesus.  I’m not trying to be overdramatic.  It’s still too soon and too open a wound to write about it.

We moved my parents from their home of almost 30 years.  Just seeing their decline, as well as packing them up and realizing they were having to leave the beautiful home they had saved and worked hard to build was excruciating.  I so felt for them.  But they knew it was time, and we did as well.

Mom was already on a walker, effects from botched back surgery (she was left with no feeling from her waist down) as well as neuropathy.  She went from walking normally and able to enjoy excellent mobility to loss of feeling.  The two of them did fine in their home for many years until Dad’s health began to decline.

Not even a month after their move to an independent living facility just a stone’s throw from their home, my dad had an exacerbation of congestive heart failure.  It was right after his 88^th birthday.  In fact, I remember it distinctly.  My husband, Norman, was playing for a Christian Quartet Convention in Pigeon Forge, TN.  He plays viola and was asked to play with FBC Atlanta; he had asked me to go with him for the long weekend.  But after praying, I told him I couldn’t go.  My dad’s birthday was going to be that same weekend (we could’ve celebrated beforehand), but I couldn’t get a peace about leaving.  Sure enough, Dad’s birthday was on September 28.  And on October 1, while Norman was still in TN, Dad had to be rushed to the hospital.  He was there for almost a week.  When he was released, I ended up moving in with my parents for approximately 6 weeks to help care for my dad. 

Because of Mom’s botched back surgery and neuropathy, her balance was inconsistent and shaky at times. This combination made her mobility challenging and extremely tenuous. All this to say, Mom couldn’t care for Dad on her own, mainly because of her balance/mobility issues.  She hated that!  Mom was fiercely independent so depending on me to help her and care for Dad was a reality that burdened her terribly and caused her much distress.  I was thankful I could be there and help both of them.

During this time period, I saw my 6’4” strong and relatively healthy father, who had always been larger than life and my hero, get weaker by the day.  It was excruciating to witness.  There were times I felt helpless; there were times I wanted to curl up into a ball on the bed and sleep…and just pretend all was okay.  There wasn’t time to be emotional.  There wasn’t time to cry; Dad needed help with basic life skills.

Dad turned a slight corner, and I returned home for a short time.  But Dad’s decline would continue as he was in the hospital 7 times afterwards.

The second time he had fluid build-up, we had to make the difficult decision to put him in a rehabilitation facility.  The doctors recommended us doing this as the best option; Mom and I knew his care was beyond us.  He had already fallen once when I was with them.  I tried to catch him, and I did manage to brace his fall, but he still injured his foot.

Having to help Dad with just the basics was a privilege that I’ll always be thankful for, even though it was somewhat humiliating for him.

Years ago, a dear friend of mine from college had moved back home to help his dad care for his mom, who suffered terribly with Alzheimer’s.  My friend, Jerry, bathed her, washed his mother’s hair and helped her with every private type hygiene. As we talked on the phone during this time, I’ll never forget his words, “Laura, you know you’re truly an adult when you have to do things for your parent that he/she did when you were a baby/child”.  Oh, how true that statement proved to be.

During this difficult time, especially when I was living with Dad and Mom, I would get Dad settled in the bed, and he would take a nap or just be in his spot in their living room to relax.  I’d go outside and usually walk around their facility to get some exercise and a change of scenery. And give the two of them some time without me.

During these morning walks, I’d usually have a prayer time with the Lord.  Those walks proved to be much more than just exercise for me.  It was then that I soaked in strength from the Lord.  More on that in a minute…

During these last few years and experiences, God taught me much and grew my faith in ways I didn’t think were possible.

What did I learn? 

If you’re in the middle of a difficult time or excruciating trial, what words of advice do I pass on to you? 

First and foremost, I try to pass on what GOD taught me and what is Biblical.  Any other advice might be good or practical, but it’s not the best if it doesn’t come from the Lord Himself (His Word).  I will make it clear if it’s just MY advice or it comes from God.

1.  Open up and talk to a dear and trusted friend/confidant.  Don’t keep all your feelings bundled up inside.  I’m not knocking talking to a counselor, but if you do, make sure it’s a licensed Christian counselor.  A true “Christian counselor” is difficult to find; Focus on the Family has a list of recommended therapists in every state.  But even with their recommendation, I still think you need to pray and ask God for wisdom and guidance.  Sometimes, all you need is a godly friend, trusted confidant who will be honest, listen and let you vent.  Ask the Lord to show you who that confidant should be.  And one who will either just listen – or be honest enough to give you Biblical counsel/feedback, even if it’s not what you want to hear.  That person needs to love you enough to “speak the truth in love”.   This person is priceless.  God will show you!  In Galatians 2, Paul reminds us of this truth. “Bear one another’s burdens and thus fulfill the law of Christ”.

I was blessed to have a spouse who listened, let me vent and sometimes just cry.  But Norman was trying to work full-time, care for our house, do chores around the house that I normally do as well as his own, especially when I was caregiving for Dad, Mom and my aunt.  He had enough on his plate.  Also, he’s an understanding and good listener, but he’s also a typical male.  He can only listen so much; he offered wise counsel and knew me and the situations well.  But I didn’t want to overburden him…and I didn’t want every conversation to be about all our problems.  So, there were times I went to close girlfriends who knew me well and understood my emotions.  They either had walked a similar road – or they were compassionate and empathetic, two qualities I needed in large doses during this time.

Ironically, a gal in my Sunday School class, who I knew but not very well, sought me out prior to any of these major trials in my life.   She had prayed and asked God for a prayer warrior, and He gave her my name.  I don’t say this to brag.  I say this to tell you that I was humbled and honored when she told me.  She shared much about her family…so many details and all her burdens. Honestly, I was overwhelmed at first because there was much to pray about!  But I didn’t want to disappoint her; I prayed fervently for her family and every situation – and still do.  I’ve never been shopping with this friend or done “typical girlfriend” things.  Our husbands became friends and had much in common so the four of us did some things together.  For many months, she leaned on me and vented so I would know how to pray for her family and all she was going through. 

But, as only God can do, she had been a caregiver for her mother years before we knew one another. She and her mother were very close, just like I was with mine.  She became such a source of compassion, strength, comfort and empathy for ME when my mom became sick and I was caring for her…as well as my dad.  Even in just a text message, I read the love and concern in every line…she had walked this same road and understood the internal struggle.  Not only that, but the other trial that I alluded to that we were going through in 2020, she had experienced something super similar years before.  Friends, only God can do this!!  Here she sought me out because she needed a prayer partner/prayer warrior to carry her burdens.  But she ended up being a prayer warrior and confidant during some of THE most difficult days of MY life – and being such a blessing. She was an encourager like no other because she understood full well what I was experiencing.  Why do I relay this? Trust that He can and will provide for you.  Trust Him and ask Him to put someone in your path that will be a dear, reliable confidant, friend and prayer warrior.  He is more than capable of doing this!!  He LONGS to meet your needs.

•  Cry out to God for help FIRST.  Even as I typed that, the statement sounds so basic.  But sometimes we forget to ask Him for help.  We run to the doctor, the counselor, the friend, financial planner or we look to practical tips, pros/cons, lists and common sense…In other words, everywhere else.  But His Word reminds us to seek Him First.  Yes, He already knows your situation.  God knows the problem or issue in great detail.  But ask Him for help — and pray specifically.  God tells us repeatedly in scripture to look to Him vs. ourselves.

“Cast your cares upon Him for He cares for you.” I Peter 5:7

Psalm 46:1-2 “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in time of trouble”

Psalm 118:8-9 “It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man.  It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes.”

“Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust, who does not turn to the proud…”  Psalm 40:4

“The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped.”  Psalm 28: 7

• Persevere.  Ask God for strength to put one foot in front of the other.  There were days when I was caregiving that I was worn out from running; I was exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  But sometimes I would pretend I was in a race, and I needed to get to the finish line.  Some people are born with this kind of perseverance.  My mother was one of those tenacious human beings who came out of the womb persevering!   When she was a caregiver for her mother, I saw her “don’t quit” spirit in action. Even when she was on a walker and not always feeling well herself, she ALWAYS pushed herself to do for my dad. Her nickname was “Bunny” and many times in our family we referred to her as the “Energizer Bunny” because she kept on keeping on.  But that was a trademark for Mom…always putting others’ needs before her own…and never giving up! I don’t know how she did it; her energy never seemed to fail. Mom was the star of her basketball team in high school.  I always said that the same drive and determination she had on the basketball field to never give up and forge ahead served her well in life.  But I also know she had great faith and relied on the Lord to help her have energy and strength during the long hard dark lonely days of caregiving, as well as other difficult situations.  I, on the other hand, had to lean on the Lord greatly and ask Him to teach me perseverance.  When I’m in a trial, I usually want to lay down, sleep and pray it will be over soon.  Avoidance doesn’t really help the situation.

Even if the trial your experiencing isn’t requiring something of you physically, it is still taking its toll with worry, emotional stress, etc.  Ask God for perseverance and staying power to not give up practically or even in praying!!

James 1:2-3 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.” 

• Ask Him what He wants you to learn from this trial…not just to remove it or take it away.  For me, this one is tough.  I’m still learning that I don’t have to know the WHY behind every thorn bush.  Trust that God is allowing the trial and using it to grow you or draw you closer to Him.  Consider the previously stated verse in James as well as this one below.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, says the Lord.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”  Isaiah 55: 8-9

•  Trust that His grace and strength will see you through, no matter how difficult the trial.  Lean on Him and ask for His strength, wisdom, guidance and help!

“My grace is sufficient for you (Jesus is speaking), for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  II Corinthians 12:9

The last and most important Biblical tidbit God taught me is covered in the next article. I hope you’ll keep reading as it’s really my main reason for writing this entire article.