Forgiveness – take II

And then I think of my next example…a personal one.

My dad, Henry, was a quiet man; he was one of few words.  And when he spoke, he chose his words carefully.

Years ago a family member did something that was a slap in the face to my dad. The family member knew it!  She didn’t own up to it.  It angered me!  It was one of Dad’s sister’s.  I loved her, but at that moment, I resented her.  I was angry with her for being selfish and not realizing how her actions would affect my parents…and especially my dad, her brother.  My parents had bent over backwards to help her in practical and emotional ways.  What she did communicated utter disrespect and lack of appreciation.  There was no question about that.  Again, she was in the wrong.

I distinctly remember being in the driveway of my parents’ home.  I turned to my father and firmly declared, “Dad, this makes me so angry.  You know Aunt ___ is in the wrong!  Why don’t you confront her?  Why don’t you say something?  She will keep doing things like this if you don’t say something!”  Only one other time in my adult life had I ever spoke so passionately and forcefully to my dad.  I was compliant and respectful my entire life; my dad commanded respect.  I didn’t say any of this to him disrespectfully.  I was just frustrated…and angry with her!  I KNEW she was in the wrong.  I was hurt for both of my parents but especially dad as it was his baby sister.

Dad, who was a man of few words, turned to me and with kind and compassionate eyes, he said, “Puddie (his loving nickname for me), how many times?”  I shockingly replied, “What?  What do you mean?”  He again repeated, “How many times does He say to turn the other cheek?”  I said, “Daaaaad”.  He just looked at me.  That’s all it took.  His reminder of the verse in the Bible where Jesus tells his followers to turn the other cheek 70 x 7 is what Dad was referring to (Matthew 18:21-22). And in that moment, I melted. The look on his face spoke volumes. Those kind, compassionate and loving eyes of his pierced my heart and soul. More importantly, his reminder of Jesus’ words convinced me to drop the matter.  Dad didn’t have to say any more.  In those aged eyes that were full of godliness and wisdom, it was like he was burned a hole through me to say, “Release the anger.  Let go of the frustration and resentment, Laura.  Forgive as your Heavenly Father has forgiven YOU!”

I drove home thinking about my father’s example…and praying.  Praying that God would give me the strength to forgive my aunt for her selfishness and how it had impacted my parents.

I eventually did.  But the impact of my father’s words will stay with me forever.  His calm demeanor; his kind and loving eyes; how he spoke the words of His Savior, Jesus, to remind me of HIS forgiveness — and how he had no malice, bitterness or resentment.

This encounter happened years ago; so long ago in fact that I can’t even recall all the details of the offense. Both of my parents and this aunt are now in heaven.  What a blessing and comfort to know that!  But my “take away” from that day in my parents’ driveway was how the love and forgiveness in my dad’s heart was conveyed to me – and lived out in front of me!!  I wouldn’t trade that memory and life experience for a million bucks!

There are many traits, both physical and emotional, that I get from my wonderful dad…my brown eyes, my slowness, my thoroughness, my sense of justice and many other traits.  But if there’s one characteristic that I pray I follow in my dad’s shoes, it is his ability to forgive. 

Dad didn’t lecture on forgiveness.  He didn’t have me write a zillion Bible verses on forgiveness.  He didn’t even tell me stories on forgiveness.  But what he did on many occasions was to emulate forgiveness.  He was the epitome of it. 

I can recall many other examples, just like this one, where Dad would have been justified.  He had every RIGHT to hold a grudge or be unforgiving.

I wasn’t really aware of all the details with this situation.  But my mom relayed bits and pieces about someone my dad worked with at Delta, someone I knew.  He was a family friend.  We had many ties to this man’s family.  But he teased my dad.  Mom thought it went beyond teasing; she thought it was disrespectful and crossed the line of taunting and making fun of my dad. Again, I don’t know all the details, but I remember she and dad discussing it.  I remember her sticking up for Dad and losing much respect for this “so called friend”.  But Dad never held a grudge; he didn’t turn his back on this man.  They remained friends. Just like in the first example with my aunt, this scenario with Dad and his “friend” spoke volumes to me.

Dad believed too strongly in the Words of His Lord to hold on to any bitterness.  He released it to the Father.  He practiced turning the other cheek. 

And there’s the rub isn’t it.  I believe as Christians we make excuses not to forgive.  And the #1 reason is “I am justified”.  “I was wronged or offended”.  I’ve done it myself numerous times. Even if I haven’t said it out loud, I’ve thought, “He hurt me”.  “She knew exactly what she was doing!! I will never trust her again!”

In the last few years, I’ve had various friends confide in me of situations where family members are not speaking and are totally alienated from one another because of jealousy, resentment, misunderstandings and the like.  A friend recently said to me, “I’m done” when speaking of certain family members.  The thing is I know all parties involved so I certainly know she IS JUSTIFIED in her feelings. I know who is innocent and who has been the offender.  I empathize with her plight.

God and Jesus knew that we would encounter situations here on earth that totally tested our faith. Acquaintances would offend us. Co-workers would upset us. Family members would hurt us.  Even close friends and family would do things that make us feel betrayed and abandoned.  But here’s the thing.  If we respond just like the world and hold a grudge or don’t forgive, we are just like the world.  There’s no difference.

But what do we do with all those pent-up feelings and emotions?  How do we deal with it when someone we thought loved us does something intentionally or unintentionally to wound us?  It does happen.  It will happen.

It’s been my experience that it doesn’t really matter if you’re justified or not. 

Read that sentence again.  Why?  It’s taken me years to learn that lesson!  The Lord is still teaching me in this area.

It all boils down to a simple decision.

Will we relinquish that anger, that resentment, that pent up frustration/hurt to our Father God? – or will we hold on to it and have our own way?

Years ago when our son, Nathan, was a toddler, my husband and I began attending Family Life Marriage conferences.  This organization, under the umbrella of Campus Crusade for Christ, hosted “Weekend to Remember” conferences.  Norman and I made it a priority to attend.  Each year, the weekend of the conference was something we looked forward to and our marriage benefited greatly from the sessions.  There was rich spiritual and practical teaching that drew us closer to one another and the Lord — and the time away from everyday life was refreshing.

Early on in our marriage, I distinctly remember attending one of these weekend conferences.  I can’t tell you who the speaker was…obviously, someone who was older, wiser and further down the road than just a few years into marriage like us.  But the speaker shared some personal stories about conflict that had ensued between he and his wife through the years.  But when he came to the subject of forgiveness, he gave this definition.  “Forgiveness is giving up the right to punish”.  Through the 31+ years that Norman and I have been married that simple definition has stuck with me.  The Holy Spirit has brought it to mind numerous times within my marriage, but also in numerous other circumstances and relationships.

Why do I mention it?  Because I’ve learned, sometimes the hard way, that forgiveness begins with a decision to relinquish control and turn it all over to God.  It involves submitting your will, your emotions and ultimately your life to the Father.  It involves giving up your rights.  Most of us don’t like that.  Most of us think we’re entitled. 

There’s a delicate balance of standing up for yourself and not being a doormat, but still following the commands of Jesus.

A few months ago I was reading these verses in Matthew.  I was struck by the wording.  There’s no wiggle room.  There’s no fudging in God’s world.  His ways are certainly higher than ours.

In Matthew 6:14-15, Jesus states the following: “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive you.”    Is that scary and a little disconcerting to you?  It is for me!  It’s quite the motivation to make forgiveness an act of obedience and a priority!

I close asking you, is there someone you need to forgive?  Have you been holding on to something trite for years?  Something huge and big?  If we were to talk, you could tell me how JUSTIFIED you are in holding on to it – and how the other party offended you.  Remember, friend.  Jesus was totally JUSTIFIED in holding his crucifixion and death against you/me, but HE didn’t.  He and the Father forgave you/me.  Follow HIS example.  Then, and only then, can you truly find freedom in Christ! 

I close with a verse that was the first one Norman and I memorized as a married couple.  It still is a great mantra from the Word on how to live and conduct yourself as a believer.  And it definitely sums up where we should be as sons and daughters of the King of Kings when it comes to forgiveness.

“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ Jesus also has forgiven you.”  Ephesians 4:32