Another Mother’s Day is in the books, and the sun is about to set on this Father’s Day.
The older I get, the more I realize what a gift God gave me with a precious mother that was a role model. She and I had a special relationship and bond. Even as a young child, I knew my mother was “one of a kind”.
Mom was THE most self-sacrificing person I have ever known. She ALWAYS thought of others before herself. And she modeled for me what it meant to make others more important than yourself and love sacrificially and unconditionally.
As I was becoming a woman, my desire was to be like mom…loving, compassionate, doing for others, not materialistic or just focused on myself, but loving God and loving others in word and deed.
Mom was a disciplinarian as well. She wasn’t one of those, “Wait until your dad comes home” type of moms. She handled things herself.
My dad was THE most forgiving person I ever knew. He didn’t hold a grudge, and I could count on one hand the number of times I ever heard him gossip or talk behind someone’s back. He set boundaries for me and was consistent to make sure I obeyed.
He was a man of integrity and stood up for what he believed. Dad also modeled a servant’s attitude by always helping others. He repaired more washing machines, refrigerators or did whatever was needed with family and friends. I especially remember a widow in our neighborhood who he ministered to constantly, never charging or asking anything in return.
Dad and Mom were excellent at setting boundaries for me and following through. Both were consistent with me. They didn’t waiver. Their “yes” was “yes” and “no” was “no”. They weren’t perfect parents by any means, but I was supremely blessed by both of them. They were quite a duo!
But even as I sit here and type out and reminisce about my parents, I am keenly aware that I have family and friends with totally different experiences.
Even as a young girl, I remember laying in my bed at night – crying and praying to God. I felt for two of my cousins. Their mom, my mom’s sister, had led quite a different life. She suffered from an addiction to alcohol as well as prescription drugs. God freed her from these, and she was in AA to help her stay clean and off prescription drugs and alcohol. But the consequences of her choices totally affected my cousins. And she wasn’t really mature and didn’t always make the best decisions for herself or them when we were growing up. I’m only 7 years older/5 years older than the two of them so we were very close. My heart broke for them on numerous occasions. I remember thanking God for my parents, but also praying for my aunt and these cousins. Even though my parents helped and were a huge part of their life, they didn’t have the same life I did. I questioned God about that; I hurt for them. It made me grateful and thankful as a kid growing up. I didn’t take my parents or my home life for granted.
Also, I lived in a neighborhood where all us kids were very close because our parents were; we did life together.
Our house was the corner lot with a large yard so most of the time, our yard was the gathering place for kickball, softball, dodgeball, volleyball, etc. You get the idea.
Pretty much most everyone in our special neighborhood had involved, engaged and loving parents. But there was one boy…Billy. Yes, I’ve changed his name. Billy was an only child like me. But his parents didn’t spend time with him. If they did, I didn’t see it. We were in band together in high school. My parents were at every game or competition I ever marched in. They came to every football game and worked the concession stand many times. But they always managed to watch me march and support me. If Billy’s parents were ever there, I don’t remember it. His dad had a stressful job with shifts; his mother had gone back to pharmacy school. They were busy with their own agendas and “checked out”. Billy was an after-thought. Billy was like a younger brother to me; he was the kid who stayed around when everyone else left. He could get on my last nerve, but deep down I hurt for him as well. My dad stayed on Billy’s case when he was at our house. Billy didn’t always think before he acted; he did some stupid stuff. Looking back, it was probably just normal “boy” behavior. But my dad wasn’t used to that. Back then and especially now, I realize that the boundaries my dad set for Billy actually expressed Dad’s care and concern for him. Billy knew my parents cared about him; he sure didn’t get much of that at home. I tried to be loving and kind to him; he was somewhat ostracized at school and made fun of. It seemed Billy couldn’t catch a break.
Currently, I have a few friends who have shared with me how their mothers were selfish, manipulating, demanding, controlling and made it all about them. And some who still have mothers that are living; these friends are trying to do right by their moms and care for their mothers. But the mothers are unappreciative, difficult or belligerent. All I can do is listen and pray. But I do see the pain in their eyes and hear the heartache in their voices as these particular women relay their stories.
Just recently I was in a small group Bible study. I shared something about my parents, and it was extremely positive and related to the scripture passage we were studying. Afterwards, a dear friend sitting next to me, who is so spiritually mature and well-adjusted, commented and said, “Laura, what a blessing that you had such role models in your parents. And that you knew you were loved unconditionally.” I could tell from her countenance that there was hurt. Later, I privately asked about her parents and upbringing. Her reply was, “That wasn’t my experience at all. In fact, it was just the opposite. Both were very toxic; I didn’t have that love and stability.” I stood there speechless. I did tell her I was sorry, and then we were interrupted.
I don’t know all the details and didn’t need to. There was pain inflicted by her parents…and the damage was still lingering.
I could go on and on with examples. Friends/acquaintances that have mothers who were manipulative or emotionally abusive are out there. And the stories of fathers being abusive in some form or fashion seem to abound. Absentee fathers are common as well.
Not too long ago, I shared a brief testimony of how God had carried me through the diagnosis of my mother having cancer (it was a shock), and the Lord took her to her heavenly home in less than two weeks. An acquaintance from church came up afterwards and told me how envious she was of the relationship I had with my mother. Her mother was still living, but she relayed it had always been strained. This person is a mature, godly disciple of Jesus, but as I listened, I saw the heartache in her eyes, and her body language screamed out for help.
What are these people to do? Abandon their dads, walk away from their moms? Reject them?
That’s what the world tells us to do.
Instead of going on and on about my incredible mother or the blessing my dad was, I want this article to suggest a new way or a different, “out of the box” way of celebrating Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Some of you won’t like it and may resist at first. Please keep reading and hear me out. It’s not just about Mother’s Day or Father’s Day. But a way of treating our parents the way God intended.
We know that most principles in the Bible – and things that Jesus taught run counter to the world.
His kingdom doesn’t operate on our terms, but His Kingdom runs with a totally different thought process and elevates things we tend to put at the bottom of the list.
That’s a given.
What if instead of looking at all the ways in which your mother drives you crazy or focusing on how she has hurt you through the years or put you down (or whatever the issue may be), what if you chose to HONOR her?
What if instead of blaming your dad for walking out or not being loving or supportive, you actually chose to honor him – or forgive?
I can hear some of you out there in blog land now, yelling at me. HONOR her? Why should I after the things she’s done or said to me?
My sorry dad doesn’t deserve any honor or respect!
Please hear me out.
In Exodus 20, God gave Moses The Ten Commandments. We know the law doesn’t save us or rescue us from sin. But the law does provide a guide and basic principles for how to live and please God – and remind us we are powerless to keep it. It’s why we desperately need Jesus, our Savior.
The 5th commandment tells us to “Honor our mother and father so things may go well for you on the earth”. It’s the first commandment with a promise attached.
As always, God knew what He was doing when He wrote this one down for Moses and the Israelites. The law served a purpose in giving the people standards to live by; it still does today. But it also reminds us that we are powerless to keep it. It’s why we all desperately need God and a Savior.
Years ago, Norman and I read a book entitled, My Tribute by Dennis Rainey. It’s been updated. Now the title is The Tribute and the Promise: How Honoring Your Parents Will Bring a Blessing to Your Life; it’s available on Amazon. The whole premise of the book is to forgive any offense your parents may have done, whether monumental or miniscule, and seek to honor each of them. As I read the book, I cried. There are numerous examples of men, women, teens, etc. who have forgiven parents for horrific things, such as incest, physical/emotional abuse, abandonment and the list goes on and on.
I can hear some of you now. Why should I honor my dad? He doesn’t deserve it! My mom…she has only put me down or never seen the best in me. Some of you who had a difficult parent may even think I’m being insensitive or unrealistic. I’m not trying to be insensitive in the least. I’m only relaying truth. Real truth…biblical truth frees us.
All I can is this. After reading the book, Norman and I each felt lead to write tributes to our parents. We actually had them typeset (computers/printing wasn’t a “thing” back then), matted and framed.
As I read the book and made notes and thought back, I realized I did have some small resentments I needed to forgive my parents for. I prayed and went through that painful process as I wrote. Also, there were numerous things I wanted to thank my parents for that I had never mentioned.
It was a several months process of writing. Was it easy? Not at all. Did it mean the world to each of them? You bet.
Each of us presented our tributes to our parents in a formal way – and read our tributes aloud. My dad and mom both cried and hugged me afterwards. They were touched, impacted and immediately hung both of their tributes on the wall in their house so family/friends could see it. Writing that tribute brought us closer and helped them know ALL the things I appreciated about each one. And it was a freeing, rich and incredible experience for me.,
If you’re wanting to honor your parents with a special gift, I highly encourage you reading the book and taking the time to go through this process.
But if you’ve had parents who hurt you or were abusive or who have wronged you in a major way, I encourage you to ask God to help you heal. To do that, it starts with forgiveness. And in that process, you can find the path to some semblance of respect and honor.
I can’t speak to having to forgive my parents for major things. But I know from numerous examples in the book, it has restored people, relationships and brought healing to many. God’s way is always the best way to live. It’s never easy. But that’s where HE comes in. He alone can give you the strength and power to forgive and actually honor a parent or parents who don’t even deserve it.
After all, none of us DESERVE to have Jesus come to earth and live among us sinful humans — and die in our place. None of us DESERVE to have the God of the Universe sacrifice for us. But He did it out of love and mercy.
Don’t wait for Mother’s Day or Father’s Day to roll around. You don’t need a special occasion.
Just a side note. Today, I still follow the blog of Dennis and Barbara Rainey. He was one of the founders of FamilyLife, a marriage ministry that we used to be a part of and serve in. We’ve heard both of them speak at marriage conferences; they are the real deal in Christian ministry…so authentic, vulnerable and God-centered. Dennis recently wrote an article about this very topic. Ironically, he chose to write about this very subject around Father’s Day as I did. It wasn’t to promote his book, but his motivation is obvious. He wants to empower others to honor their parents and be freed from the shackles of bondage to unforgiveness. You can find his article at TheRaineys.org. His article is entitled, “Can You Honor a Parent Who Doesn’t Deserve It?”
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