Letting Go

          I was in college between 1980-1984. Sounds like a long time ago, and it was. I can distinctly remember calling home my freshmen year to announce to my parents that I had signed up for “boating and sailing” as my first required physical education course. They both were stunned and chuckled a little – each of them.  How could they not?  Dad was a natural athlete growing up.  You could tell that just by looking at him.  He was slim, muscular and played football in high school.  He tried to go to college on a football scholarship, and in his words was “not good enough”.  Mom was a majorette (one of the firsts at College Park High school), ice skater, cheerleader and star of her basketball team.  Seriously.  If we ever ran into anyone who knew her back in her high school days, they always said something about her playing basketball.  I had seen the newspaper clippings to prove it.  Then, they had me.  I tried hard and gave 110% in sports, but I just wasn’t present when God was doling out athletic ability.  I struggled in this area.  Dad and Mom worked with me, but they never made me feel “less than” in this area or like I didn’t measure up. 

When I was in high school, I didn’t have to take all the physical education requirements because I was in band.  Fine arts trumped the physical education classes.  But in college, I would need to take 6 classes of physical education courses!!  Knowing I wasn’t that coordinated, I thought why not do something unusual.  Georgia College in Milledgeville, where I received my Bachelor’s degree, had part of its campus on Lake Sinclair.  It was the perfect place to learn how to boat and sail – on a small, private lake.

          I remember one of my parents asking if I knew what was involved in that course. They tried to be encouraging, but I knew they were skeptical and had their doubts.  Secretly, I did as well, but thought this course would be fun and adventurous.  Now, that’s a funny line if you know me.  I like to have fun as much as the next girl.  But “adventurous” is not usually in my vocabulary.  I’m the ultimate scaredy cat.

          Boating and sailing began.  I remember driving out to the lake and seeing the cabin that was adjacent to the lake. The scene was so calm and peaceful…a small, tranquil lake surrounded by trees all around.  A few birds that dotted the water and squirrels that scurried around.  It was a calm and peaceful setting.  Boating and sailing would not turn out to be calm and peaceful (at least not at first) – and it sure didn’t start out being fun.

 We started out in the cabin with the teacher calling roll and giving us some expectations for the course.  Coach, as I would soon learn, was more like a drill sergeant.  He was former military (and told us so numerous times throughout the quarter), had a deep and gruff voice and was somewhat impatient.  Still, he proved to be a good instructor.  I remember walking out to the dock that first day. None of us knew one another as we were all freshmen.  We each went to a sailboat and stood behind it.  We were paired up with another person in the class.  Initially I thought, “This experience will be great!  We’re going to get in the water today and go sailing!”  Oh, to be that naïve and ignorant again!  We began learning how to tie knots with ropes.  I don’t remember all the names for each of the knots, but there were many…and at least at first, it was quite intimidating.  Coach expected you to master tying each type the first time around. Needless to say, learning each of the knots, remembering how to weave and tie each one and mastering the names as well as the intricacies was not an easy task, especially for me.  But I was determined to learn this skill and do well in the course.

It’s been too long ago to remember how many classes it was before we finally got the boats in the water.  But what I do remember is that Coach Willingham (I’ve changed his name) had one rule while we were in the boat.  He repeated it several times during each class period.  “Whenever you are in the boat, and the wind starts to whip or change directions, and you/your partner can’t figure out the direction of the wind, LET GO of the rudder and the rope attached to the sail; the boat will do the rest and stabilize in the water.”  Now the rudder was a tiny piece of wood that set down in the water.  When you were in the back as the captain of the ship, your job was to hold the rope of the sail with one hand, and use the other to move the rudder.  It’s been too many years ago to remember every little detail.  But what I do recall is this:  When the sail is flapping in the wind, and the boat becomes unstable and begins bopping up and down in the water, and you can’t determine the direction of the wind, the last thing that seems natural to do is LET GO of the rudder.  The natural inclination, the tendency, the instinct is to HOLD ON to that rudder for dear life!  And to CLING to the rope attached to the sail. But Coach Willingham drilled the opposite fact into our impressionable freshmen minds during that fall semester:  LET GO.  Truly, it was counterintuitive to all you would FEEL at the time.  Still, every single person in the class had tipped over in his/her boat at least one time during the 4 months of learning how to operate that small sailboat on the water.  Once you capsized and found yourself soaking wet in your clothes, having to hoist yourself back into the boat, etc., you somewhat learned the lesson.  The next time the same scenario presented itself, you remembered NOT to follow the natural inclination, but to remember Coach’s #1 rule…the golden rule of sailing if you will to LET GO of the rudder and the sail, and the boat will do the rest.  It will FIND the wind and stabilize itself.  As I said, most everyone in the class learned the hard way by tipping over at least once or twice.  Me included.

But there was one guy in our class, Ernie, that seemed determined to CLING to the rudder and to the sail.  I came to know Ernie as we had a couple of classes together besides “boating and sailing”.  He also attended Baptist Student Union.  He was a foreign exchange student from Curacao, Venezuela.  I admired Ernie; he was so far from home, and his spoken English although broken was excellent.  Trying to read and comprehend for his studies was a challenge, but he persevered. He had an optimistic attitude and seemed to radiate joy (including a smile on his face). However, in boating and sailing, Ernie must have flipped the sailboat 20-30 times throughout the quarter.  I am not exaggerating!  Ernie never seemed to learn the golden rule of LETTING GO when the wind picked up or when something went awry on the water.  Instead, Ernie clung to the rope and the rudder.  I’m not usually one to laugh at someone else’s expense, but in this situation, I couldn’t help myself.  The same scenario occurred so often, at least once or twice a week in class.  Each of us would get in our boats and be enjoying the water and some sailing time.  Invariably, the wind would change direction.  Most of us had learned, by this time, to LET GO of the rudder and the sail and allow the boat to stabilize on its own.  Then, you can once again enjoy smooth sailing.  But not Ernie.  I can distinctly recall Coach yelling from the dock, “Pauletta (Ernie’s last name), let go of the rudder.  Let go, son!!”  No matter what he yelled, no matter how many times he yelled, Ernie would invariably flip the boat because he just couldn’t bring himself to LET GO.  Finally, the last 2-3 times we were out on the water, Ernie did not tip the boat.  It was truly an amazing feat!  I was excited for Ernie that he finally got it and was successful!

Our “final” in the class was two-fold, if I remember correctly.  We had to tie knots, do certain things to secure the boat and perform certain tasks on the water in the boat with Coach watch and evaluating.  I don’t think we had a written exam.  The second part of our skills test came later in the cabin.  We only went to the cabin in the event of inclement weather so meeting in there (other than the first day) was rare.  But here we were at the end of the quarter.  Coach Willingham sat at the front of the room with his correct posture, distinct military-style demeanor and his gruff voice.  I don’t remember if we as students sat in desks or benches.  But I do remember Coach Willingham called each of Mr. or Miss with our last names attached…never our first name.  It was more formal than any other college class, more intimidating and frankly, made me feel more like an adult.  During this last class period, much to our surmise, Coach Willingham said this was our evaluation.  We were to evaluate ourselves.  He went through the expectations of what would warrant an A, B, C, etc.  As he went through the roll, he called on each one of us.  We had to stand where we were sitting, announce to the entire class, “I think I deserve the grade of ___ and this is why”.  Not only did Coach Willingham want each of us to choose our own grade, but each had to defend his/her decision.  I remember mulling things over in my head that day.  It was going to be difficult to stand and state my reasons.  Everyone else would be listening.  I was stunned as the first few names were called – and unlike other college classes, our names were not in alphabetical order.  There is a reason I include that little tidbit.  My maiden name is Watson so I should’ve been near the end, if Coach had followed the natural order of things, but he did not.  There were many other guys and girls that went prior to me.  I was stunned as most thought the grade they deserved was a “B”.  There was one “C”, and a few were bold to state they deserved an “A”.  I remember thinking, “This is crazy.  I’m not going to let this class ruin my GPA. I’ve worked hard in this course.  I’ve learned everything coach has asked me to — and I’ve practiced the knots….”  Anyway, I did stand with boldness when Coach called my name.  “Miss Watson, what grade do you think you deserve in this course?”  His voice boomed so loudly in that wooden cabin.  I remember the heat coming from my body and probably my face, but I stood up and prayed for confidence and the words.  I told Coach I deserved an “A” as I had learned the names of all the knots, knew how to tie them well, learned other important aspects of what he had taught us, but mainly I had learned to implement what he taught us about LETTING GO early on.  Shortly after each of us finished our short speech on our self-evaluation, there would be a period of silence.  Coach would listen intently to your reasoning (he always looked you in the eye as if he was boring a hole in your soul).  It was flattering, sincere and intimidating all at the same time.  He made you feel important and scared to death all at the same time.  He truly made you feel like an adult.  For a freshman in college, that is a rare, refreshing and somewhat exciting and terrifying thing!  After his listening, he would take notes or write something.  Those moments of grueling silence seemed to last forever.  Then, he would call you up to his desk and hand you a piece of paper with your final grade.  I distinctly remember this as I was ecstatic to see an “A” on my piece of paper.  I couldn’t wait to show Mom and Dad when I got home!!  I remember the walk to his desk seemed to stretch on forever, and even thought the floor was wooden, it seemed to crack, crackle and make a very loud sound.  Looking back, I’m sure it didn’t.  The atmosphere was so tense and still a little threatening.  Coach commanded respect and expected you to rise to the occasion.  This class was one where you didn’t want to act like you were still a high school senior.  Coach expected you to rise to the level of being a responsible adult, and no one in there wanted to disappoint him, not even the cockiest boy.

But even more than my own speech on the grade I deserved and why, what stands out to me in that wonderful memory was not myself, but my friend, Ernie.  My turn to stand and evaluate myself came before Ernie’s, as I said due to the fact that Coach didn’t call us in alphabetical order.  Ernie was further on down the list.  The majority of the class had already stood to make their self-evaluations.  I was truly stunned at how many thought and declared they only deserved a “B” or a “C”.  Then, Coach barked out, “Mr. Pauletta (Ernie), what grade do you think you deserve in this course?”  On that wood floor, on that fall day, there was total silence in the cabin.  No one seemed to breathe; even the animals were quiet.  Ernie had to change his clothes more than anyone.  Ernie had been soaking wet and flipped his boat too many times to count.  Coach had yelled at him more than anyone else in class; he became impatient and irritated with him at times.  But on this day, Ernie with his optimistic disposition and a smile on his face stood up with great confidence and replied, “Coach, I believe I deserve an “A” in this course.”  Coach Willingham interrupted before Ernie could even get the rest of his thoughts out or back up his grade with the reasoning.  Coach looked up from his papers, took off his readers and sternly replied, “Mr. Pauletta, why in the world would you think you deserve an ‘A’ in this course?  Would you not agree that you have turned over in your sailboat more than any other student?  Would you not agree that you did not listen to me and apply the rules I taught you numerous times when you were on the water?”  I truly don’t think Coach was trying to humiliate Ernie; he was just former military, and it showed.  He operated with a standard of excellence, and he expected and demanded that we follow suit.  So, when he asked Ernie, it was out of sheer disbelief in his response.  Ernie, with a smile on his face, his heavily broken English and honor in his voice, respectfully responded, “Yes, Coach, I know I’ve turned over more than anyone else.  But I’ve also learned more than anyone else.  Now I know to LET GO and not hold on tight to the rudder or the rope of the sail.”  How could Coach argue with that?  For one thing, even when Coach was harsh, abrupt or impatient with Ernie throughout the entire course, I never saw Ernie respond with anything but a positive response.  He kept a smile on his face and a positive, “glass half full” attitude in his heart.  Coach’s treatment of him and Ernie’s own failures never seemed to dampen Ernie’ spirits.  It was really quite stunning, inspiring and impressive.  If I had been Ernie, I would’ve dropped the course months ago.  But he persevered.

To this day, I do not know if Ernie received an “A” or a “B” in the course.  All I know is his speech seemed to sway the Coach that day.  Frankly, it swayed me.  Wasn’t the entire goal of the course to learn…and Ernie had done just that?

I was impressed.  Impressed that he stood up for himself.  Impressed that he was humble enough to admit his mistakes, but savvy enough to communicate how those mistakes had furthered his learning.

Now to the real point.

In your Christian life, what is God asking you to LET GO of?  Is the Holy Spirit convicting you and calling out to you from the shore to LET GO?  Perhaps it’s a prodigal child, a chronic health issue, a financial dilemma, a family situation, someone you need to forgive, a frustrating job, a struggle with elderly parents or just obsessive worry.  Your natural inclination is to cling to it…to hold on to it for dear life as Ernie did with the rope and the rudder. I’m not saying not to pray about it.  I’m not saying not to cry out to God about every part of it.  But, after taking it to the Lord, do you continue to fret, worry, trying to think of ways to remedy the situation yourself?  Do you ignore the Spirit’s pleadings to relinquish control and leave it in the Lord’s hands (as Ernie did with the Coach’s commands)?  Remember, friend, the consequences of doing so.  Your boat will flip as well.  How many times do you need to get wet and have to experience consequences before you release and break free from the grip you have on whatever you’re not trusting to the Lord?

I’ve been there. 

Years ago, Norman and I had been married for several years and both of us longed for a child. We were beyond ready to bring a new little one into the mix and our hearts ached for a baby.  Norman was 33, and I was 27 when we first married (neither of us had been married before).  Obviously, we were older.  We had been single and had numerous experiences as single adults.  We loved our life together as husband and wife, but our attempts to get pregnant were unsuccessful.  I remember reading some books, getting advice from others at school who were just a little beyond us, counting days on the calendar, taking suggestions from friends at church and praying.  I prayed.  We prayed.  But it wasn’t until we went on a major vacation during my spring break one year that I remember this exact prayer.  It was the weekend prior to our trip.  I was getting things out to pack.  Norman must have been at work as I was alone in the house.  I cried out to the Lord.  I threw out that calendar.  I said, “Lord, I’m through manipulating; I’m finished with trying to do this on my own.  It’s all yours.  I give it to you.  I give my longings, my hopes for a baby, my desires for little ones to you.  It’s in your hands.  I’m not going to keep worrying and fretting.  If you want us to get pregnant, then it will come from you.  If we don’t get pregnant, then let me/us accept that as well.”  I was resolute.  I wasn’t angry with the Lord.  I was just to the point of frustration.  I was tired of reading, scheming, manipulating and striving. I cried as I prayed.  I finally released the rudder and rope of the sail and truly LET GO.  Norman did as well (probably not in the same way).  That vacation was memorable as we relished the time with one another, enjoyed the sites and the scenery and made incredible memories.  But God also heard our cries.  He took control of our world and stabilized it.  He steadied our ship of despair and within a couple of weeks of returning, we found out I was pregnant!!  The souvenir we brough home from that trip was not just a new life in the womb, but it was a reminder to us.  That when we seek Him first and allow God to be the Captain of our ship, He truly gives us the desires of our heart (Psalm 37:4).  I know from experience that it doesn’t always work out exactly like that (with a happy ending), but I do know from experience that no matter the circumstances, when we LET GO and allow Our Heavenly Father to be in charge vs. us trying to hold on tightly and cling to the situation or try to manipulate, it frees us up to experience the peace and joy only He can give. And in the process, we discover He is such a faithful God, who wants the best for us.

One aspect I didn’t include from my memories of boating and sailing was how incredibly peaceful and enjoyable it was on the lake when you mastered the art of LETTING GO.  Then, you could sit back and just coast in the water and take in all the sights and sounds.  It was fun!!  It was serene!!  You weren’t having to work hard; you just trusted the boat, the sail and the water to work in harmony.

Friend, trust the Father God, Jesus His Son and the Holy Spirit that the 3 in 1 are big enough, powerful enough and mighty enough to work in your situation as well.  LET GO and resist your natural inclination to try to do it in your own strength.  In doing so, you will grow closer to the Father and experience “His peace that passes all understanding” (Philippians 4:6-8).  Don’t be an Ernie, where it takes numerous times capsizing before you learn the truth. If that has been your pattern, then confess it to the Lord.   Read the Word, pray and ask God to give you the strength, wisdom, and self-control to do what is counterintuitive.  LET GO!

As I was writing, the Lord brought these verses to mind.  Hebrews 12:1 – 2 “…let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.  Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith…”  What has you entangled?  What is hindering you, friend, from truly submitting and giving God the reigns and full control of your boat?  LET GO of the rope of the sail, the rudder and fix your eyes on Jesus.  He will not disappoint!!

 I won’t lie.  It will be scary at first, but oh, friend.  It is so worth it!!  I pray you can release the rudder, the rope of the sail and sit back in the boat and enjoy the ride. Let God “stabilize your boat”.  It’s a rewarding, glorious and freeing experience when you do!  My life’s verse comes to mind, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding (clinging to the rope of the sail and the rudder…your own logic).  In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your steps.”  Then, and only then, will you see and take in the God of the Universe and all He is capable to do in your life.  Ephesians 3:20